Bwha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Read This…..

But since I’m from DC with a “slightly” high CLT per capital and know I might get got for this post, I’ll let a fellow D.M.V native Wale speak on it

Untitled from Makavelliott1971 on Vimeo.

“Ugly girl’s be quiet quiet pretty girls clap clap like this”

It was the night before Halloween (and all through the house…). I was going through some things so my boys and I thought it would be a great idea to go out and get WASTED. Two of my friends are brothers and we’ll just call them the twins, they have a sick pad in the middle of Clarendon. Apparently there was some big Halloween party that night at the Ballroom. It was The Degenerate, Hype man scoop, and the twins and I’d say by 6:00 p.m. we’re all a little twisted. The next thing I know this girl one of the twins works with shows up dressed like a girl scout (regular girl scout not slutty). From everything we know about the girl it’s been established that she’s 100% prude, some think she might even be a lesbian, that’s how much she doesn’t give it up.

Long story short is she starts drinking and then heads out with us. While out her and The Degenerate hit it off and start making out.. in the club. Eventually she decides to give him a ride back since he lives right around the corner from him (D is blacked out). What he remembers is this, she came in and sat on the couch, they started making out again and he tries to escalate things to his bedroom. She being the giant prude says no and reminds him how lucky he is she even made out with him and that she’s even here. D does a little bit more persisting and probably some begging and still she says no. Finally D goes for what has become the infamous D signature Hail Mary move… with a straight face he asked, “Well if you’re not going to let me fuck you can I at least jerk off on you”? Apparently for some reason this offended her and she got up and quickly stormed out. This story was confirmed by his roommate who says all he heard from his room was “no, no, NO, NO, ewww HELL NO,” followed by the door slamming.

The next day after hearing the story Hype and I are rolling on the floor and tears in our eyes with laughter. After we stopped laughing, we discussed it a little more, and of course came to the realization that we’ve all tried the Hail Mary Skeet move. Usually the only appropriate time to try it is when you’re actually in bed with the girl, semi naked and she for whatever reason doesn’t want to bang. Hype, says there’s no reason that a man at his age should have to suffer from blue balls. D, says it’s the very least a girl can let you do if she’s not trying to bang. I added in that I’m more of a morning HMSer because I’m all about it when I wake up. Then Hype added this little tidbit of personal information.

Hype: If the girl agrees to the HMS move I can’t do it while she’s watching, It gets too weird. I’m all like, (makes jerking motion with hands) close your eyes almost there almost there, don’t look don’t look.

I was like wait a minute, the fact that you’re trying to ejaculate on another human being isn’t weird already, it just got weird because she’s looking? Jesus what is wrong with us (I blame pornhub and Phoenix Marie). But even more startling was the amount of girls between the three of us that have been ok with the HMS move…. about 18 give or take. This isn’t counting girlfriends or regular hookups, this is strictly girls we’ve met and on the first night (or morning after) that took buck shots on some part of their bodies. I’m sure if you extrapolate that out you’ll come to the conclusion that there are way too many women that wont bang you but see nothing wrong with letting you Jizz on them. Think about that next time you’re out and you’re nervous about striking up a conversation with a pretty girl.

Friend #!: Wait you brought a condom…. we’re using those again?

Yes, we’ve been using “WE’LL DO IT LIVE” from Bill O’s meltdown (yeah I know it’s old)

Alright ladies, I guess it’s time we have another one of our world famous sit downs. Today’s sermon will be real talk on the good back door action. Now from a guys point of view let me tell you why most of us like to do it. Most people would think it’s because of the tightness*. That’s a small part of it. The honest reason is because we think it’s taboo, kinky and that most girls really don’t like it. Now don’t get me wrong, most of us sophisticated guys who read grown up women’s magazines like Teen Vogue know there could be nothing further from the truth, that most women like anal or have tried it and even if they don’ t enjoy it see it as no big deal.

Now with that said, there are some etiquette that comes with getting down in the brown. Remember, us guys want to feel like we’re special and that you rarely if ever do anything as sinfully dirty as this, it’s just that you’re so sexually attracted to us that you’re letting it slide this once (yes, we know it’s not true but it will make us feel better about ourselves in the morning). If you don’t make us feel this way the chances of you getting a phone call back or us hooking up again are very slim. The worst thing you can do is make a guy feel like this is something you do on a regular basis and every guy around the block and the whole Washington Redskins defensive line has anally banged you.

Let’s review shall we. So “hypothetically” speaking, let’s just say you meet a hot guy at Lucky Bar on two dollar beer night (Thursday). Everything is going great and you go back to you place. Of course things are going to get freaky. But as hot and heavy as things get for no reason should you suddenly take off your pants, bend over, touch your toes and scream out, “fill up all my holes daddy”. If you must dirty talk during sex please do not yell out, ” I want you to gape my ass”. In fact, don’t ever utter the word, “gape” during sex…. ever

(New rule, dirty porn talk should only be done by women who… LOOK LIKE PORN STARS! Let’s make it simple, if you look like Bree Olsen you can say whatever sick, dirty turrets thing that comes to your mind. If you’re 5′1, pushing a duce nickel, please shut the fuck up and take the dick. Commentary does not make you hotter.)

Back to what I was saying. Under no circumstance should you ever brag about how much you love anal before you’re in bed with the guy. This will put in you a specific category, but if you’re not trying to date the dude then by all means, go ahead and brag about how you anally masturbate with a baseball bat big end first. If you want to let a guy know your ok with the back door dick down (BDDD)then wait till he makes the move. Most guys have got it down to a science. There’s the “oops wrong hole” technique where the tip “accidentally” goes in but stays a little too long and we wait for your reaction before we “remember” its in the wrong hole. Then there’s the “bootie grab, spread, middle finger in” technique which is pretty self explanatory”. Then there’s always the four finger shocker. When the guy makes any of these two moves, then you can act like it’s cool and you’re ok with it.

(Stacy Dash the sneak attack 40yrold booty)

For me I’m all cool and the gang when it comes to the BDDDs but I wouldn’t say I have a fetish about it. It’s not something I do on the first night unless I’m with a certain type of girl I know that’s scientifically prone to like the BDDDs. For instance we know for a fact 98% of all Brazilian women love anal. True story, you don’t believe me, go to xmovies.com type in Brazilian in the search box and watch your world be changed (I wouldn’t try viewing this page at work). What you thought Tom Brady really needed to sit out the whole NFL season? Sheeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Dude really just sprained his big toe, but once Gisele spread dem cheecks, he was sprung and had to wife the chick for life… put a ring on it. Next up is Greek chicks, this one is just obvious. Some one told me that from the moment they can walk, they walk around with a wooden butt plug. Lastly is natural red heads. Now they don’t love BDDDs as much as the first two groups but they’re really into rougher sex, like punching and head butting. But if you put them in the cross face chicken wing, then they will beg for some BDDD with no lube…. all of this is factual true story.

That’s all for now, class dismissed. Next time we will discuss when ATM is appropriate.

A day in the life of the future Mrs. Kent.

The movements and hand motions are so crazy. It will take you at least three viewings for your eyes to finally register to your brain what’s happening. I’m pretty sure the guy in the XXXXXL white T has slept with at least one guy. But sheiiiiiiiiiiiiiit don’t get it twisted, Next weekend I will be up in the club screaming HALLE BERRY HALLE BERRY and I will be doing the damn dance. It all about the club game.

While watching this I wondered what Halle Berry thought about having her own dance. Then I found the following clip. Let me just say that Halle Berry dancing to her own song turned me on like DAMN…. like the song says, “She’s fine den a bitch, ass and her tits”.

Ellen Is such a retard but her dancing has improved.

Silence of the Legos.

There are few moments in a young man’s life that happen or occur that he will truly cherish and savor for months on end. Among one of these few moments is handing in your letter of resignation. The day it happens the young man will feel ten feet tall and light as a feather. He will feel as if he just finished climbing Everest or talking Laura Dore into a one night stand. What he is feeling is the pure joy of victory a “rebirth” if you will. For the past month or two his life has been one of turmoil and hell. He has felt unappreciated by his current employee and at the same time taken advantage of.

It is now ok to proceed and “Du da Stanky Leg” out of his office. Smack an Administrative Assistant on her wobbly ass on your way back to your cube. Then take a two hour lunch where you go see The Fast and The Furious. I mean that’s how I did it. Then walk out like a boss

For instance what is the history of skeet shooting as far as human civilization is concerned. Who among men in history where skeet shooters. Was Washington a skeeter? King Arthur, did he skeet on Guinevere on the round table? You know Anthony def gave Cleopatra the skeet, those Romans are all kinds of freaky. Did General Tso skeet? Would Jesus skeet, probably not, the Bible says be fruitful and multiply and skeeting is definitely a division problem.

My own skeet history is probably similar to many males my age. I’m an 80’s baby so I learned all my sex moves from porn. Till my Sophomore year of college I thought foreplay was asking a woman if could fix her pipes, cable or delivering pizza with my junks coming up through the middle of it… wait what? I also thought for serious that sex acts where supposed to end with a facial skeet. I started asking myself why aren’t most of these girls automatically getting on their knees, fish hooking both sides of their mouthes, and sticking their tongues out? That’s weird.

Which brings up the next question, is the act of skeeting degrading, sexual or a little bit of both…. sexually degrading? Maybe the answer to that depends on the area of skeeting. Skeeting on the stomach might be ok, but skeeting in an ear hole or up a nostril might be frowned upon by the ladies.

Of course this brings on the next topic. What’s your skeet type? I’m a 50/50 skeeter. I mean sometimes I’m too lazy to reach down and “grab N skeet”. Other times I get visually turned on by tigg or ass movement, then I have a Pavlovian response where my eyes roll back in my head and I scream, “hot damn I’ve got to paint these walls….” But that’s just me. I have a very hairy friend whose name starts with R who a professional projectile skeet shooter. He’s got it down to a science and is in the process of coining the term PCS (Pinch, cork, and skeet). Through a series of scientific study, charts and graphs and shit. He’s figured out that at the moment right before ejaculations if a male pinches his balls, puts his thumb over the pee hole creating a cork effect, followed by a pump action. The skeet velocity and distance will be up to three times as great as a non PCS shooter.

Maybe it might be helpful to see what the ladies think about the skeet? For instance is it frowned upon for a guy to skeet on the first date/ night you hook up? Are there regions that are universally frowned upon by women as skeet regions… like the armpit? As a whole do most women even like the skeet? Are women as impressed by skeet distance as us males. I’m totally against skeet announcement, I prefer just to make it rain. I like skeeting on articles of clothing, I call it the Lewinsky effect. But in a way it’s marking my territory and I kind of get turned on when I see the girl wearing the same article of clothing again. VK was here.. and here… and little back there

For some reason to me not every woman is the skeet type. This is one of the things that run through my mind when checking out females on a daily basis. I know it’s wrong of me, but even at Whole Foods check out, I look at the mother holding her new born and I think, “yeah she looks like she could take some skeet”. Obviously she didn’t 9 months ago. There’s a correlation between the sluttier types that I go for that like the skeet and “the good girls” who’d say something like “ewww gross not in my hair”. My only advice to girls when it comes to the skeet is when you ask for it, really fake or act like you want it. There’s nothing worse than a weak sauce skeet beg. You’ve got to be enthusiastic about it, like Bree Olson…