From: Odaddy@yahoo.com

To: Scarjoblow@gmail.com

Subject: The Carter III is B.A.N.A.N.A.S

What up girl. Congratulations on releasing that new CD. How are those record sales going, did the critics love it, any plans for a world tour yet? I have one question though… why Tom Waits? I mean he’s older than I am but it’s all good because you’re hot so I guess you can get away with it. Thank you so much for your last e mail and I did get your care package with chocolate chip cookies and a pair of your panties, they still smell like honey, vanilla, and roses. I’m sorry it’s taken so long to respond back to your last e mail, but it’s been a little hectic since I made history and all. Honestly, I’ve been extremely stressed the last couple of day, Michelle has been keeping an extra eye on me now that I’m one step closer to the White House. It’s getting harder and harder for me to sneak in a rub and tug from Nancy Pelosi. Don’t let her old age fool you, that broad can yank a mean one.But don’t worry about her though, you know you’re my “bust it baby”. Michelle is still pissed at me for accidentally calling your name out during my victory love making session on Tuesday.

Anyway, like I said I’m stressed. Did you hear Ted Strickland turned down the VP job on NPR? The funny thing is I never officially fucking asked him! But who does he think he is to turn down the VP position that ungrateful bastard. Doesn’t he know who I am? I’m BIG O, I pee skittles…. Taste the rainbow bitches! On top of that I have to, what did Bush say, oh yeah, “appease” these Hillfems threatening to vote for Captain Alzheimer’s (McCain) in the fall. How can they call themselves feminist and go vote for a guy who doesn’t believe in a woman’s right to choose when it comes to abortion. This is the same guy who left his crippled first wife for a younger richer woman, then fooled around on the new chick with an even younger woman! He don’t love em ho’s. Don’t even get me started on Jim Jonson resigning from my vetting team, it’s like I have to find a vetter for the my vetters.

Enough about politics, howyoudoin? You’re still really going to marry Ryan Reynolds? Are you serious? No offense but the guy’s too pretty and looks like an Abercrombie and fitch model. You seem like the type of shorty who want’s a thug, bottles in the club. Why are you going through with this? Between you and me is it because he gave you herpes? If so, it’s no big deal, half of Hollywood got it. I mean Derek Jeter gave it to Jessica Alba (and the whole west coast ) and look how she’s doing. Anyway you might want to think this through, I mean do you really want Alanis Morissette’s sloppy seconds? You’re better than that.

I hope it was a good idea to appease those Hillfems by partnering with Elizabeth Edwards on my Health Care  platform. I’ll let you in on a little secret, the health care plan is one of those “throw away” platforms every candidate has. We never really plan on improving or changing it, it’s what we call a “filler piece” we can fall back on if we hit a hard spot. See also the Environment. I gotta run Countdown is about to start, hit me back when you get a chance. I left you a message on myspace.

Love, your terrorist fist bumping Papi,

O Daddy

PS can you send me a pair of the panties you wore in the beginning of Lost in Translation?