Vegas 09 prt 4. Lessons learned

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While in a deep sleep, I wake up to my phone ringing and pull my moth and dried drool of the Polish chicks tigg to answer.

VK: Hello
Rookie: where the fuck are you man!
VK: Heaven
Rookie: it’s 3pm we were supposes to be at the Rehab Pool Party at 1!
VK: Oh shit, I’m on my way now

I slap Little Polish on her ass and tell her to wake up, she’s got to drive me back to the spot. She mumbles something about more sex, I tell her I’m running on E. We jump in the car and speed off towards the strip. When we get there the Rookie is not too pleased at me, and he has a good reason. If anyone knows me, I’m usually the one always on time. We call crazy cabbie and roll to The Rock and Roll Hotel for their world famous Sunday pool party, Rehab.

My body is so fucking tired, my penis is slightly broken, I’d love to sleep more than anything else. Make matters even worse I left my credit card at Drais so I don’t have any duckets at the moment.

We show up and The Rookie covers the entry which is (at that time 5:00pm) a reasonable $50 a person. If we’d shown up on time it would have been $100 a person. Believe me when I say this is the craziest pool party you will ever go to. By this time you all already know the scene. Fake tiggs, high heals, bedazzled sunglasses, and my favorite Ed Hardy bikinis.

The rookie and I were so out of it though, I was dead tired and not in the mood to game, I wasn’t even in the mood to drink or bang. We just watched as beautiful women danced around us half naked. Seriously I swear to God if Brooke Burke came over to me at that point dropped her bikini bottom and bent over and spread her butt cheeks, I couldn’t get it up. What’s the point of living….

But one girl did catch my eye. She was brunette and dancing with her slutty blonde friend who kind of reminded me of a hermaphrodite. Now while there was nothing but buck nekkid girls running around showing everything off. This girl kept a grey wet T shirt on and it showed off her amazing curves as she danced to Tiesto. This girl could move, I swear the way she moved her body was hypnotizing like you finally knew what the fuck Akon is singing about.

I had to kick game though it would be a sin not to. The Rookie and I watched as TONS of dudes rolled up drunk as hell trying to holler. She was shooting many of them down and talking slightly to others then going back to dancing with the hermaphrodite who surprisingly enough wasn’t getting hit on. Suddenly one guy did hit on herm, so I moved in. It was like riding a bull, we danced and talked and I think I hung in longer than any other guy. I guess she was a stripper and she told me personal trainer from Alabama . Made some southern jokes then she told me she used to live at Va beach for a few. It was obvious she didn’t mind my company. But knowing we were leaving that night and I couldn’t bang even if I wanted to, I went back to chill with The Rookie.

(spot the herm)

We both spend time hollering at a couple of chicks and admiring the scenery. Then the first Turtle I’ve seen during my whole trip in Vegas waddles up and starts talking to me. I make a comment about her sunglasses and then we exchange them. She’s actually pretty cool and she’s visiting straight from Israel . By the drunk lusty look in her eyes I know she’s trying to bang. She keeps asking what we’re doing later that night and we say we don’t know yet. She’s looking for her gay guy friend she tells us. She wonders around and then keeps coming back. The thought of bringing her back and running a train does cross my mind for a slight second. Finally we just leave, our souls were willing but our bodies were weak.

The rare Israeli turtle dove

After napping some, we call crazy cabbie one last time and he drives us to the airport. I still have his number in my phone and he will be the only cab driver I use when in Vegas. The cab ride is silent and driving past all the flashing lights is dream like. Once the airplane takes off leaving the city behind, I doze off and whisper…. Victory…..

Here are some tips on surviving Vegas that I think might help some of you…

Before you go try to spend a couple of days getting as little sleep as possible. Make your body learn how to function well with no sleep.

Pregame like a mother!

Find out were the strip clubs are before hand and then when you jump in a cab tell them to drop you off across the street. Cab drivers get paid $40 to $60 bucks to bring the clubs customers. Don’t bother asking them which one they think is the best one because they’ll probably take you to the one that cost the most.

If you go with three or more guys always get tables at the clubs. It will save you time and money in the long run.

Don’t go on big Holiday weekends, Labor Day, Memorial Day, July 4th, Fathers Day , whatever. It will be crowded and take you forever to get in anywhere and on top of that prices will be jacked up on everything. Better to go on a random off weekend for low flight rates, not as crowded with guidos from Jersey and Hollywood twatwaffles.

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If it’s summer and you want to hit the pool parties, GET IN SHAPE. In fact get in shape period for Vegas, the city hates fat people. But at these pool parties it’s equal opportunity scrutiny. So if your planning on going next summer, get in shape now!

ED HARDY BIKINIS ARE THE SHIT! The type of girl that wears them is the type of girl a guy like me wants to talk to.

Be bold, from the moment the airplane touches down, time is ticking. Hollar at everything moving. This is the place to try new technique to reinvent your game and get used to hitting on dimes. And like Jay said…. Always be closing

Don’t go to O.G’s strip club broads are busted

When you get back from Vegas you will suffer from withdrawal and slight depression. This is very normal. Give yourself a day off of work if you can to sleep and self medicate.

Personally for me, the west coast is the best coast. It’s shocking how open and approachable west coast girls are. You will never see more hot chicks with douchebags than out west because there’s so many hot chicks the competition is to stiff. To go from a place where girls come up to you and buy you drinks to a place where 6’s will flake on a date can drive a lesser man crazy. But DC girls made me the man I am, I will continue to pay my dues a couple more years. But please believe me when I’m ready to wife it up… head west young man… head west.

Thoughts?

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