Category: 
In case you forgot how I set this up, check out part 1 here. Actually getting her out for the date was a breeze. To my surprise, she answered her phone the first time I called. There would be no flaking. This is why west coast chicks have such a great reputation.
On the day of the date, everything was running smoothly. I showed up at the foreign restaurant 15 minutes late to find her dabbling away on her iPhone. She reminded me that the food was gassy, and asked if I was ready. Let’s get this show on the road.
Eating brunch is about as eventful as you can imagine. We discussed the usual boring shit before I suggested we go downtown for a bit. She was cool with that, as long as she made dinner, where some friend was taking her out. Hmmmmm. *Bubble bubble* Oh God, that food really IS gassy! Whatever, I’ll be fine. Famous last words. The gas steadily built up as the date went on, with me holding it all in.
We went downtown to hang out for a bit. I wanted to buy a new hoodie, and hopefully make good use of the restroom. “Sorry, there’s no restroom here. There’s a Starbucks across the street.” So I held it in. We went to a museum. Perfect, a restroom! But for some reason I just couldn’t let it out in there. There were people, kids, in that restroom. I couldn’t bring myself to punish them. I’d have to hold it in, for the children.
I survived the metro ride back to her neighborhood. I don’t remember what happened on this ride, except for my mind being focused on one thing: getting outside. Even the ride up the escalator felt like an eternity, but I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Relief would come as we stepped outside. Great, we’re outside, I can create some space and let a little out. Wrong. It started to rain lightly, and we had to go get an umbrella from CVS to share. The Gas Gut kept growing.
We made it back to her place and started burning some CDs. I immediately made quick use of her bathroom, struggling to prolong the pissing while letting some air out, in the most discrete manner possible. It’s a delicate balance: letting it seep out slowly would provide only minimal long-term relief (read: 1 minute) while letting it all out would lead to a sonic boom. Disaster of American Pie proportions. I’m not gonna let THAT happen. So I stayed in there a little longer than normal, and sprayed the air freshner that every girl has at her place.
Somewhat relieved, I rejoined Tall Blondie. I have no idea what we talked about. My focus was on the apparent failure of my strategy. The grumblings were back in full force. It was as if letting off a little pressure renewed my stomach’s goal of fucking up my fucking plans and sabotaging my sexual drive. I couldn’t let it win. So I quickly returned to the bathroom for another round of pressure release. Whincing in pain while trying to hold back the flood, I let a little more out. It was quite loud. Fuck. I hope she didn’t hear it. I couldn’t tell if she had or not when I returned.
She said I could join her on the bed, which I did, rather nervously. The pain began to increase. Suddenly, my clear visions of pounding this tall blonde became cloudy. Murky. Could I hold it all in for the amount of time I needed? What if she heard? Or smelled? Would that ruin everything?? My visions of beating it up doggy style, with her groaning loudly with each powerful thrust, were changing. Instead, I heard high-pitched farts with each powerful thrust. Perhaps it wouldn’t be that bad. I started to wonder. Who knows. Maybe she’s down for some of that stinky-inky-inky? No. This is stupid. I’ve got to get out of here. Will these CDs ever finish burning?
I could no longer take it. The Gas Gut was now protruding from under my polo, which for some reason was shorter than normal, or my pants were on the ground. Either way, I felt ridiculous. As soon as the CDs finished burning, I made my way towards the exit.
I took one last look at her before she closed the door. I could see surprise on her face. And a look that told me I missed my chance. I was disappointed. But as I took my time walking to metro, my bowels let out several huge sighs of relief.
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So… who’s ready for a success story?
Sweet Jesus Rookie even though I knew what going to happen, oatmeal actually came out of my nose from reading this.
I’m so ashamed, where to begin. Um I don’t know anyone who’s ever gotten the first notch from “brunch” or a coffee date, or is over 24 wearing cargo shorts. Second for the children, vk luves the kids but if its between the kids and beating it up you gotta say fuck the kids.
But the thing is this broad knew KNEW the food was “gassy” so you could have told her she was right and found a place before getting back to her crib. OR the better option would have been to blow up her bathroom THEN walked out preferably upperdecker. But yeah if she knew about the food you had a green light, could have even given her the rolling brown out!
Fucking rookie
if only i knew then what i know now
Two basic lessons everyone can learn from this is to choose your food carefully, and to sacrifice our nation’s future if you need to unleash a gas attack. Seriously though, it’s pretty simple to excuse yourself from your date to go use a restroom.
You could have just told her “hey i’m going to take a shit in your washroom” and leave it at that. Worst case was you would have ended up with the same result.
Meant to add, this would give her the option to use the room before you stank it up. Girls have no issue with you taking a shit, as long as they don’t have to use the room right after. Also, flushing while pinching it out minimizes smell.
damn rook, i feel for ya.
but did she have a window or one of those air cycling vents on the ceiling?
I mean chances are this may happen again so just tell them bitches to upgrade. shit this isn’t the 1960’s.
I remeber one time I was at a chicks house and she was using the restroom and I had to let one out also. I was thinking, “damn.. where can I let loose.”
So I looked around and found a window in some room i opened it and…sonic boom!! i’m pretty sure the methane gas in the ozone layer went up 10% that day.
either way man next time just flush the toilet and turn on the faucet and let one out. she won’t hear shit(i don’t think thats a pun)
Hypeman Skeet-Skeet out.
you know you’re in a committed relationship when you can let out an audible fart in the lead up to sex and not worry about fuckin up the success of the in and out.
The biggest problem with this is:
If you blow up her bathroom, yeah, you may lose a few points and slightly decrease your chance at a notch, but if you leave you have no notch.
You gotta go for the chance at a notch over no chance at a notch, I mean fuck it, if you blow up her restroom so bad that she wants you to leave and never wants to see you again, it’s really not that much of a loss - basically the same loss that you took by just leaving without trying anything.
At the end of the day though, she told you the food was gassy on numerous occasions, which I think gave you a free shot to blow up her bathroom in agreement, and she couldn’t even really hold it against you.
I think you could have joked off the gas, farted up in her bathroom, and then banged her anyway.
thanks guys. if i were to do it over again, i’d fart away, and if she caught wind, blame it on her for suggesting a gassy eatery, and then escalated.
this shit happened to me once. At least you knew it was happening. May be you can bounce back.