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In the last couple of years Affliction T shirts have become the trademark wear (uniform if you will), of the UFC and MMA scene. Everyone who’s anyone within the MMA community has their own line with the t shirt company. All the heavy hitters, Chuck Liddell, Randy Couture, George St. Pierre, and the illest, Rampage Jackson. It’’s just known that the real tough guys rock Affliction.
(Do work)
Dan Winters, a 5′8 155 lbs IT consultant is a big fan of MMA and decided that it was time he bought himself an Affliction T to give himself the authentic bad boy look. He’d been working out a little and even managed to put up 205 once. On Friday he ran over to Nordstrom on his break to buy one. Even though he couldn’t even fit into a medium the sales girl found a large in the juniors department for him. She told him how “tough” he looked and said she’d be surprised if anyone messed with him wearing that scary shirt.
Fast forward to that night. Dan invited Jenny from Marketing out for night in Adams Morgan. He spiked up his hear, wore contacts, his brand new True Religion jeans with the ready made holes right below his crotch and of course his Affliction T shirt. He figured Jenny would be so taken by his manliness that about 20 minutes in she’d be begging to leave the club and go back to his place. Jenny, being your typical DC white girl wore a Calvin Klein wrap dress with flip flops…. because it’s summer you know….
Once at the club Dan quickly got a some liquid courage after drinking two red bull and vodkas. He’d also had a whole can of rock star energy drink before and was kinda of hoping something would go down so he could apply a rear naked choke and show Jenny how tough he was. As luck would have Jamal Pookey Johnson, a convicted DC felon was out on parole today. He’d been drinking Hennessy and coke. Pookey was 6′3 225 and spent the last four years of his 7 year bid in solitary confinement for taking a shit on his cell mates bed then setting the bed on fire… while his cell mate was still in the bed.
(do work on his face)
As Pookey walked by he accidently stepped on Jenny’s feet. He attempted to apologize by saying, “my bad”. That’s when Dan had had enough and knew this was his time to be a hero… in Adams Morgan… against a black guy. So Dan replied back, “you need to watch where you’re going before you get put to sleep”. What happened next was described by witnesses as the worst beat down in the history of the world.
Pookey in one swift movement snatched him up with his left hand and landed a rock hard punch with the right. The punch was so hard that both of Dan’s contacts came flying out. Unable to see Dan never saw Pookey’s cousin Ray Ray come out of the crowd and stab him in the back with a box cutter. No one told Dan about the DC club fight rules that 1. There are no rules and 2. It’s never one on one. Ray Ray threw the box cutter into the crowd where it disappeared. The men threw Dan on the ground and began repeatedly stomping on him with their Nike boots. The signature footwear of the DC street scene. Witnesses say that at one point Dan cried for his mother. He was also scene attempting to “tap out” but the two thugs did not stop. At one point as Dan lay motionless on his back, Pookey grabbed and held open Dan’s legs as Ray Ray stomped on Dan’s nuts…. with both feet. The act of violence ended with Pookey dropping his pants and taking a dump on Dan’s chest.
Hospital reports show that Dan suffered multiple injuries including a fractured eye socket, broken jaw, cracked ribs, a collapsed lung, a deep laceration to the back, and fluid build up in his left testicle due to blunt trauma. One Detective went as far as to say that he hasn’t seen a beat down this bad since Michael Richards got lost and stopped to ask for directions at Anita’s Chicken and Waffles in Harlem.
An eye witness named VK gave his opinion of the events that took place that Friday night.
VK, “If I was in his position I would have turned to my date and said, bitch you shoulda worn some shoes… with those big ass clown feet of yours. What does this look like a beach? Are you serious?”
Attacks like this have been popping up in major cities all over the country. Las Vegas, Miami, and southern California. Jason Wang got both legs broken outside of the Viper Room in LA two weeks ago. Realizing the potential harm wearing their T shirts can bring to their customers Affliction has now started putting a checklist of standard the potential customer should be able to meet at least one before they put on an Affliction T shirt. Some of the questions on the check list include:
1. Can you bench over 300 lbs
2. Do you regularly take steroids
3. Are you or have you been a member of the military or law enforcement
4. If you were in prison could you successfully fight of three grown men in the shower naked to keep them for deflowering your turd cutter
5. Do you watch MMA fights and KNOW that you are not some professional fighter just because you’ve seen it done on tv?
Dan is now recovering at home and surprisingly Jenny has not returned any of his phone calls or requests for a second date.
(Do work on dat ass)
I haven’t laughed this hard since that email you sent me about me and an Indian girl. AHEM.
Seriously though, this is you at your best.
So did he get laid?
Two things:
One, this made me laugh so much that my boss stepped out of his office and asked if I was alright.
Two, I recently started reading your blogs and wanted to say thank you. Thank you for inspiring me to pick up my daily 5 mile run and ab work out. Ending High school I quit working out. All I cared about was my college work and job.
It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve started this daily routine and I no longer have to be in denial with my 0-3 jeans. And that little muffin top I blamed on my period, gone.
Again, Thanks. =]
another great post in a long line of great posts.
it’s funny how this post rings true.. what is w/all the pencil necks, wanna-be tough guys, out of shape focks, etc.. wearing Affliction tees? I have yet to look in the eyes of one of them and see anything that might put respect/fear into me.
I never even heard of these Affliction T’s before now, but I bet I’m suddenly going to start noticing them everywhere I go. Around here I can see these being popular with guidos.
Although it’s not really related to DC, see:
www.thedirty.com
for prime examples of wannabe douchebags wearing Affliction.
This post is priceless! I can’t stop laughing. Brilliant but on the serious, why do some guys act so stupid? Like kids that watched the five deadly venoms a couple of times and mastered the snake style by hissing with their hands. Please son.
Lemmy,
You know my e mail game is tight like you I mean that, so I’m always down to write a funny one, especially if it makes yah laugh.
T.
He got laid the fuck out, if this really happened
Sonia,
1. Man, NOW that’s the laugh I was going for, seriously it feels good to know some people thought it was funny.
2. Hey no problem. It’s amazing how three weeks can change everything. I’m glad you got past two weeks now it’s about setting little goals of increase and how much longer you can stick with it. I’m glad you’re one of those girls that chose to be inspired and step your game up instead of complaining or calling me sexist and finding an excuse to not get in shape.
p.s when it comes to girls, period is like pooping, it’s one of those things us guys pretend girls don’t do. I mean even if they do, nah mean?
Ichigo,
See they wear the shirt to try and intimidate and associate with something they really couldn’t be a part of even if they try.
T.
Dude, from what I understand it’s not that big in NY yet. It’s straight West Coast especially Vegas where UFC events take place. True story, check guidos and I bet you you’ll notice them everywhere all of a sudden. Just look for shirts that look like biker wear but a little more gay.
Boomhauer,
thanks for the link, I”m checking it after my comment.
DF,
I try not to pay them too much attention, I’m to busy trying to get scratch, besides they know better to come talking that yack to me. Welcome to DC
I would kill to make love to the girl in the last picture. How old is she?
damn flip flops, always causin’ shit.
p.s. those shirts are wild homo. case in point; you could replace the word AFFLICTION with, say, DUNGEONS & DRAGONS and no one would think it was out of place.
the affliction t-shirts were also popularized by chris daughtry a couple of years back.
around here they’re characteristic of dudes in their 30s trying to stay au courant with the whole rocker-boy thing, not so much trying to play the tough guy.
same goes for wicked quick, a brand that was once the domain of people who actually rode bikes.
Affliction T’s are totally overpriced. Most sell for at least $45, yet they probably cost the company two bucks per dozen to make.
VK do u train?
great post.
i was in nordstrom rack (keepin it discounted) and i tried an affliction T on in the dressing room. much mirror posing followed. i was ready to throw down. then i put it back on the rack.
Affliction (along with all the other tribal graphic shirts) will among the first of the current fashions that fade quickly and only return in 15 years in ironic form. Those and the bug-eyed sunglasses. Seriously folks, use a little judgment before jumping on a trend.
This is a hilarious entry! As far as Affliction tees, I like the artwork on some, but mostly, it’s too much going on. Usually when I see folks wearing Affliction, it makes me think they’re trying TOO hard to appear like some kind of badass. Steve Lurkel’s “Dungeons and Dragons” comment is funny, mainly because it’s true!